To Whom It May Concern:

Every once in a while I make the noble sacrifice of my time and a small
piece of my mental acuity to dredge through the same old dull idiocy
that pollutes what some people affectionately call the "Public News
Board". Recently, there's been a rash of tear-jerking drama revolving
around the break-up of relationships between so-and-so and
such-and-such. Here's a little friendly advice from an outsider's
perspective -

Quit your crying. Shut your collective word-holes. Crawl back into your
cages from whence you emerged. Shag your little hearts out, play your
little games of emotional tag, and don't bother the rest of us with your
pitiful mewlings. It's tired, it's old, it's pointless, and most
insultingly of all to those of us with more than an ounce of
self-respect, it's boring. It's all been done before, it's all been said
before, it's all been heard before. Your husband/wife/sister/pet will
cheat on you with the designated flavor of the hour the first chance
they get - it's a reality, just face facts. You're most likely being
cheated on as you read this. In fact, the chances are that you're
engaged in some sort of unethical sexual activity while you're reading
this.

So chins up, little sad-sacks of emotional baggage. You'll feel better
when you realize that all the time you're wasting on your relationships
has made you into a better person, by forcing you to face the reality
that you've wasted all that time and endured all that supposed 'hurt'.

Kisses,

Astaroth

Penned by my hand on the 16th of Scarlatan, in the year 417 AF.