Understand

Understand? You want to understand me?
You ask me to explain something I am trying to understand myself?
Me - Understood in a world of misunderstandings.

To understand Me, when I am on the edge of sanity overlapping insanity in an insanely sane world,
Raging against the smooth walls of my mind. Banging and slashing without a mark.

The strength of my prison astounds me.

Understanding me is like understanding to be understood.
The pain I feel, when standing in a crowded room so alone, hammers at my self-control.
I stand outside my soul trapped.
How can I understand something I've never felt?

The connections to humantiy, the love, the intensity - I feel adrift
Floating on a cloud of de sensitization.

Soon the world won't matter or care to understand,
So I try to blend, but blending is so draining.
Why do I try to find acceptance when acceptance should seek me out?

Understand?

I understand emotion and caring is a danger.
To me, to family, to friends and mostly to society.
I understand that the bringing, the Harbringer of Death,
destruction, ChaOs, oblivion starts at My fingertips.

I understand that the desire, as dangerous as it can be, to release the Darkness that stains my soul and marrs my beautiful, emotionless corpse.
Becomes stronger and stronger every minute, day, hour, this second...
The pain, the beating, the thumping of my heart is not my constant faithful companion.

I understand that the corpse as diseased as it is has become a traitor to a life unasked for.
Understanding is a VOID, one step off the mountain, one leap into space no safety net, no one not even self.

Understanding is Death an ending to the torment
lie down and let the inferno consume my existence.
I go up in a blaze and on the last painfully pleasurefilled thought
I now see it was all for nothing.

You want to understand me?
Understand 'that' at the point your heart ceases
Understanding
me.

M.

Penned by my hand on the 20th of Miraman, in the year 254 AF.