I am happy to announce the upcoming Year 515 Games and Jamboree in honor of the resplendent and magnanimous Tiax Drac'Kal. These games will test the mettle of adventurers from across Sapience to test their worthiness to be Tiax's personal boil-lancer, scab-scratcher and all-around caretaker/underling/best friend.

Now, you may be asking yourself, why should I participate in the Year 515 games instead of the Tsol'teth farce masquerading as the year 800 games?

Allow me to present just a few of the reasons why my games are superior:

First, unlike the delusional Tsol'teth who envision themselves as custodians of the Staff of Nicator, I am actually the rightful granter of the prizes I offer. Unlike the Tsol'teth, I do not offer a prize handed to me by a cowardly traitor to Creation. Instead, I offer prizes (boils, scabs, and so forth) that I have personally spent years cultivating.

Second, whereas the Tsol'teth sham claims to honour a tradition which it in fact profanes, my celebration is entirely in keeping with the 515 pus-filled years of my life. The old quinquagenary games, at least before their recent usurpation, celebrated the unity of the cities of the realm against an oppressive foe. To pretend to celebrate such an anniversary by bending our knees before a new oppressor is absurd. Instead, participation in my games is a perfectly sensible way to show your love and appreciation for all that I have done for the realms.

Third, while even considering bowing to the Tsol'teth demands renders one a traitor who is wholly unfit to hold the Staff of Nicator, willingness to submit one's self to my whimsical games is exactly the attitude required to be deserving of the grand prize.

Finally, while there have been many truly admirable wielders of the Staff of Nicator, the most recent winner has sadly sullied the title by simply handing away the Staff to Sapience's enemies, before bending her knee before them. The position of Tiax-tender is free of such a tarnished legacy. I can safely say that all previous scab-scratchers and boil-lancers in my employ have wreathed themselves in far more glory than Tesha.

So, given the choice between the following activities and debasing yourself at the feet of the Tsol'teth, I hope you will choose the one that offers greater glory.

The first event is inspired by the ancient game of Foozle. Each contestant is given a card listing a variety of bodily fluids leaking out of Tiax at any given time. The first to correctly find the source of each fluid will be declared the winner. I call this event the Oozle.

The second event is an egghunt. Except instead of brightly painted eggs scattered across the lands, it's a collection of week-old hard-boiled eggs which I have misplaced in my many fat folds. You fish 'em out, I scarf 'em down, everyone's a winner!

The final test is a pun on bandersnatch which the First Logosian Decree prohibits me from discussing any further.

I look forward to a fierce, if malodorous competition!


Penned by my hand on the 25th of Lupar, in the year 801 AF.