On regular tour of your lacklustre facilities and upon observing a feckless retinue of lubberwort-addled achinggouts, I have counseled you as many better before me on the foolish employment of your efforts in piracy. You have graciously valued the worth of my noggin at a price so lofty it would surely deprive you of a week of passion and a month of festering pustules caught in the crabnet of the shipwrecks that employ themselves as ladies or men (as suits your devoid sense of taste) of negotiable affection. Thus, it seems only prudent to show at least equal investment of gold in a message of parley to you and your crew more mottled than motley, more riddled than rapacious, more crude than cruel.

When you have found a bottle-addled covey capable of words and letters to read this to you, I sincerely hope they convey my heartfelt respect and admiration for his ability to suffer your presence enough to relay my kind words of patient encouragement to abandon your folly and adopt a lifestyle productive to the fair trade and free travel upon the Eusian. Please remember that the poor fellow is hardly responsible for your many obvious failings and wantings, and should be indemnified from your tempers foul, if not your odorous funk in which all who live with you sit in squalor.

Further, while I lack the refined hexings of a Shaman or a silvered tongue to chirrup sweet fugue in your lopsided ear I declare until proper parley is met to discuss a peace for all free under flag or banner of trade, city-state or simple fisher that I curse you.

I curse your oversized head, pate festered with as many balding patches as greasy lank, I curse your face, festooned with warts worthy of name and infamy, I curse your mouth, your nose, your wagging tongues dipped in fluids unknowable and unpotable by all but you. From forehead to shoulder I curse you, may what blackened hearts within cease to beat and escape their yellowboned cages. May your stomachs churn like the Borean 'midst a storm and force phlegmatic tempers through every cursed orifice you possess. From tip to ingrown toe, I curse every fibre of your corporeal form to a fate worse than it already possesses, to be trapped to the thrall of such a scrap of a soul.

In your journeys to and fro I curse you to trip and stumble. May no comfort come in standing, may your posterior protest upon sitting. May the gruel you slop and the slop you drool be cursed to taste akin the the effluent product that spews from as much your gaping maw as your ignoble end. In waking I curse you to bear the weight of a day lived fruitless and miserable, given no comfort in the curse of sleep, visited by Lady Valnurana's darkest craftings that curiously resemble your usual day.

May your isle shackled to such a raggabash band be doubly cursed, freed only when it sees you off to mangled misadventures in hostile high waters. May your affectionate others be cursed to demand a greater fee for your attentions most limp and feeble. I curse your progeny of bastadry, though surely my words cannot weigh them down to a bed of depravity as much as bearing the anchor of being your sons and daughters. May your pigs and parrots be cursed to be barren of all but guts riddled in must and consumption, and their meagre sustenance provided be but ash.

I visit upon you and invoke the most maladictive and malicious curses crafted before and after the Fall, found from the mouth of Nicator to the Divine's grandest and harshest judgements upon our mortal lot. May you be held in piteous contempt in the halls of the End and finally granted release from your life surely worse than the depths of the Inferno or the the grip of Oblivion. I so cast upon you the thousand fates worth than death to provide ample experience in demonstrating only that this is just relief from your unenviable present state.

May the very ink these words are righteously penned sear the fustilarian fingers that have surely already tried to rake in reflex away from your person, disgusteed as they are to be employed in covering your leaky bespawling behind.

Regards,

Captain Finchy Ithilien

Penned by my hand on the 19th of Phaestian, in the year 794 AF.