Dedicated to someone whom I do not wish to name but who will know that I
am speaking of him here. Whatever else may come, at least for a moment I
can find the words to express what I cannot say otherwise.


Sweet Paradox

You--
I wish I could understand you
Not so much your past or your future
But the thoughts and feelings that shape your soul
For now you seem like but a dream to me
A fair mirage seen through shimmering smoke
To be dispelled by a chance word or careless gesture
Like a wondrous and long-hidden desire I've held
That I almost dare not see fulfilled
Because I wanted it so much and for so long
And I know my heart is too fragile to be shattered
By dashed hopes and a broken love.
For now you're like a spellbinding mystery
An exquisite little paradox I long to solve
Though every key you give me to your soul
Only makes the puzzle greater still
And being with you is to taste both rapture and pain
Because of all the things you do not fear to say
And all that I cannot say in response.

You--
How often you claim to be unworthy of me
But don't you realize within your heart
That it is I who is not worthy of you?
For you are life itself, courage without pity or fear
Yet I am but a craven, an eternal mediocrity
Afraid of everything, but especially happiness.
And you say you wonder why I chose you
Of all the suitors I could have had
But don't you know that you chose me long ago
Don't you know that after you offered yourself to me
That I could have made no other choice?
And you ask why I stood still when you made me bleed
But too well you know how cruelly I've hurt you
How many times I've left you alone behind me
Leaving your soul to bleed in pitiless solitude.
And you wonder perhaps why I return your love
Don't you know that in my own way I worship you
Because you took all the chances I dare not take
Because you ask nothing from me but gave me
The most precious thing you possess
Because in every love there is a moment
When the lover himself is an object of reverence
With more power in him than the worship itself.

You--
So strange and so charming and so devious
Even your madness can be intoxicating
But above all you seem afraid of nothing
Least of all the things that always terrified me
With you I feel that anything is possible
In a way that could be never be true for me alone
You reached through my coldness and my fear
To awaken me to the warmth of happiness
And though someday you may despise me
For all the faults that I will never eliminate
I pray that at least for a moment--
Though neither of us may truly understand why ---
You will still love me.


Penned by my hand on the 15th of Mayan, in the year 370 AF.

Penned by my hand on the 15th of Mayan, in the year 370 AF.